fandoms and personal thoughts

[chibichan]

Hello people and happy Easter! :D

I'm writing this entry from Andrew's house. My semester ended officially today, but since I had no more lectures after Wednesday, I've actually started my holidays a bit earlier. I am so happy to finally be on holiday! I have my exams relatively early in April (22nd, 25th and 3rd of May), but I only need to study for two of them, since the exam on the 3rd is just to test my ability to solve a problem question and the lecturer will give us all the materials we need in the exam to reply to the question. So really, since I don't need to revise for it, it means that my summer holidays will begin on the 25th of April this year! :D

I want to look for a job here in Scotland, maybe as a tourist guide somewhere (I do know three languages after all), so I can save some money for the next academic year. I know there are no jobs for young people like me in Italy right now, so it would be pointless to even look for one there.

I'm reading The Amber Spyglass right now (I'm halfway through it) and I'm enjoying it. I read and finished The Subtle Knife in less than a week and... I didn't enjoy it as much. Here are the reasons why: 1) it was not set in Lyra's world (which I love), which was to be expected, but I found Cittàgazze so... boring. Some parts of the book also took place in our world and we all know our boring our world is. I'd much rather read about armored bears and witches than Lyra exploring our boring world (and needless to say, the parts with Lee Scoresby and Serafina Pekkala were my favourites of the book); 2) Lyra suddenly went from being the protagonist and the child of the prophecy to... a sidekick. I like Lyra as the protagonist: she's intelligent, quick, curious, brave - she's amazing to me. And it made me so sad to see less of her in this book. It's more a book about Will than Lyra. Which, okay, I get that you need to introduce this new character, but you don't need to lose all of Lyra's characterisation just because you're introducing Will; and 3) Will himself. I couldn't stand him at first. He's had a harsh life and I feel sorry for him; but the way he treated Lyra just made me so mad. He bossed her around, thought he was smarter because he knew his world and Lyra didn't and damn, the scene where Lyra kept apologising to him because she had made that mistake and given him away to the police (even though it was never her intention) and promised only to help Will find his father really rubbed me the wrong way. He didn't show respect or gratitude to her, it was like it was a given fact that she should have helped him all along. And I don't like that. He daemon could transform into a lion and rip your head off, boy: show her some respect!

I am liking Will more in the Amber Spyglass, though. And hopefully now Lyra will play her big part in the course of things. I'm really interested to know how exactly she will be tempted and if she will give into temptation. Also, when Lee Scoresby died I genuinely cried. Just the way it was written was so sad. It looked like things were maybe going to be alright for him, and I hoped they would... until the very end. :(

I also watched Doctor Who last night. I haven't caught up with it yet (I'm still watching the episodes with the Ninth Doctor), but Andrew's family wanted to watch it, so I decided why not. XD I enjoyed it, but... am I the only one who doesn't like Clara? There's just something about her that really annoys me for some reason. *braces herself for angry comments from DW!f-list*

Anyway, fandom aside... I actually have something very personal that I want to talk about, specifically: my asexuality. Yesterday one of my friends (who is a girl and has a boyfriend) messaged me on Facebook, asking (and quite out of the blue, if I might add) if Andrew and I had "made progress". I asked her what she meant and she replied, "You know what I mean": she obviously wanted to know if Andrew and I had had sex yet.

I have never actually written it anywhere else on my journal, but here's the thing: I'm asexual. I'm not interested in sex and never have never been; even in my fandoms, I always skip the sex scenes. It takes quite a lot to turn me on and 99% of the time I will not be in the mood for anything else beside cuddling and hugging. I just love doing other things more than sex: I prefer cuddling, holding hands, hugging, having meaningful and deep conversations, playing a game together... basically everything else you can do in a relationship. I'm not aromantic, quite the contrary: I'm just asexual.

Andrew and I have talked about it quite a lot (at first it was a bit of a shock for him, he didn't know there was such a thing as asexuality) and he's come to accept it completely and he's reassured me countless times that he doesn't mind: all he wants is to be with me. I am very lucky to have found a boyfriend who doesn't mind that I don't want to have sex.

So the answer to her question is: no, Andrew and I have not had sex yet, and possibly I will never have sex with anybody in my life.

Now, I could have lied to her. She doesn't know that I'm asexual and she doesn't know what asexuality is (I don't even think she's ever heard of the word before). But I decided to be honest, even though she would think that I'm a freak for not having sex with my boyfriend. She then asked if I was "scared of sex" and I said that I wasn't being held back by fear, I just wasn't interested in it. I said I liked doing other things better, like cuddling and having discussions and that I felt no need to have sex. Just like that, without however saying that I'm asexual, because coming out in a Facebook message is kind of embarrassing to me.

She of course asked if Andrew was okay with that and I told her the same thing that I wrote to you guys. I also said that, at the end of the day it doesn't matter whether we have sex or not, because our relationship doesn't change, it will stay exactly the same, even if we do have sex. I also added that it was not the end of the world. She replied with a "ok..." and the conversation ended.

However, what really got my attention was something she wrote when asking if Andrew was okay with that. She wrote, "I'm asking this because after a year and a half [that's how long Andrew and I have been together], he'd want to 'deepen' the relationship." Cue word here being "deepen" of course.

By "deepening" the relationship, she obviously means going further than kissing and cuddling. But here's my question: is that all you need to say that you have a "deep" connection with your partner? Do you have sex and then BAM, you know each other so well and have such a deep connection that you should get married immediately? Just because you have a sexual relationship does not mean you have a deep connection on a personal level; and, most important of all, just because I don't have sex with my partner, does not mean we don't have a deep connection, or that our relationship is fake or not "deep" enough.

If Andrew and I did not have a deep connection, we just wouldn't be together. We don't have sex, but we kiss, cuddle and hug. We have some of the most amazing conversations ever about fandoms, life, religion, society, our world... we can literally talk about anything and everything, and I mean it. He's always there for me when I'm upset, sad, or when I'm missing home. He hugs me, tells me sweet words and offers me a shoulder to cry on. This has happened so many times that I've lost count. We laugh together, we make jokes, we act silly. We play games and sometimes even music together. We support each other in every situation. I'm there for him when he's upset, the same way he's there for me. We make each other's day better just by looking at each other, or by waking up next to each other. I practically live with Andrew 24/7 now that I'm on holiday. I've been with him when he was depressed; I never abandoned him and I offered him all the help he could need from me and more. If Andrew and I don't have a deep connection/relationship, then I don't know who does. I really don't see how sex would suddenly change all of that and make our relationship "deeper". At the end of the day, what really matters is that you love the person you're with; and I do.

Also, I would like to add that it's written nowhere that, if you don't have sex, then your relationship isn't "deep" enough. Sex doesn't change anything. Lots of people have sex with other people they've never met before and that they do not intend to see ever again. Sex doesn't automatically make something "deep". Sometimes it's completely the opposite. Sex should really not be used to measure how good your relationship is.

And I can't help but feel that my friend is judging me or thinking that my relationship is a joke. It's not. I don't feel comfortable talking about it on Facebook, but when I'm back in Italy I will explain to my friends that I'm asexual and that I have an amazing relationship with a person that I love very much. Hopefully they won't think I'm a freak.

Anyway, I'll start a meme this month, so I can update my journal every day. :D Hope you guys all have a great Easter holidays!

Comments

[tropicsbear]

I think the problem is that people always assume that sex is a "must" in relationships. Human contact is important, yes, but human contact doesn't always translate into sex. One-night stands are a perfect example of "sex ≠ deep emotional attachment"

I guess that because majority of people have sex, then they assume that everyone else does?

[requiems]

I think half the problem is society's view on a "typical" (i.e., the one that gets promoted to them) relationship. Being, that you should have sex as soon as possible. Which is just as bad as what society considers to be a "typical" sexuality. Not everyone has the same needs, the same sexuality, they don't want the same thing out of a relationship as everybody else. Sex is seen as a bridge but as you've said, how can it be? It doesn't magically let you know the other person. To some, yes, it would be a connection, but equally as much it can just be a physical thing with no emotional weight attached. But it's something society is told to expect, sadly; people who aren't the same are weird. People are scared of what they don't understand. It's like how when I honestly say that I don't know what my sexuality is, and I have no desire to really go out and find out at any speed, that I get The Look by strangers who don't really understand how that can honestly be a thing.

I think explaining it peacably is the way to go. Hopefully they will understand if given some time to think about it. *hugs*

But at the end of the day, I think the key thing is that isn't love as a broad the most important thing in a relationship? That might be just the company, or just talking about things. It doesn't have to physical. Love is what people are trying to find.

[yelena_zaltana]

Carissima Chibi-chan,devo essere sincera....sono rimasta molto colpita da quello che ho letto,in positivo ovviamente,e voglio farti i complimenti! No,davvero...non è per prenderti in giro o altro è che ormai ero così abituata a sentire il classico stereotipo "stai con un ragazzo da tanto tempo,quindi l'avete già fatto?No,perchè sai,è normale farlo se stai con una persona da così tanto tempo! Se così non è...a lui non funziona?" Scusa la cafoneria ma è così che le cose vengono chieste queste cose,quando dovrebbero essere cose PRIVATE e PERSONALI che riguardano SOLO le due persone che compongono la coppia! Complimenti anche per il sangue freddo e per l'educazione con cui hai risposto a questa tua amica...se fossi stata io mi sarei irritata come non so cosa...
CMQ!Capisco perfettamente il tuo punto di vista e lo condivido appieno!
Premetto che io non sono mai stata fidanzata,quindi non so come mi comporterei ma di certo non mi affretterei a farlo per poter dire a chicessia che ho "approfondito" la mia relazione con il mio ragazzo...che poi...se fare l'amore...anzi,se fare sesso perchè è di questo che qui si parla,servisse ad approfondire la conoscenza delle persone penso che MOLTI uomini non andrebbero con le prostitute ma starebbero a casa dalle loro moglie/fidanzate/ragazze ecc.
Detto questo...lasciami dire che sei una ragazza davvero fortunata!A leggere di te ed Andrew mi sembra di leggere quelle storie d'amore che esistono "solo",o così credevo poco fa,nei libri. Ed invece,ecco che tu mi dimostri il contrario e te ne sono grata! Dopo aver visto molte...storie d'amore...delle mie amiche...avevo perso un pò di fiducia in questo bel sentimento...ammetto che ti invidio un pò,ma prima o poi arriverà qualcuno che starà al mio fianco come io starò al suo! ;)
Uhm...tutto questo per dire...va benissimo così come sei,Chibi! Se ora non te la senti ed il tuo ragazzo capisce e RISPETTA la tua scelta,va bene così! Nessuna persona,amica o non,può mettere becco nei tuoi affari! Forse più avanti ti verrà voglia di farlo,chissà,ma comunque sia questo sta a te ed a nessun altro!
...scusa il pairo!XD;

[fiones]

Anyone who thinks you're a freak for being asexual needs to escort themselves out of your life tbh. Your relationship is just that: yours. They have no business judging you based on their perception of what's normal, especially not when your relationship is perfectly fine and sounds very healthy. Sex may be a gateway to happiness for some people, but not everyone. People are different and any real friend would accept that and support you.

In DW news, I haven't seen the new episode but I'm not surprised to find out Clara isn't likeable. Moffat is terrible at writing women, good god.

[pretty_panther]

You know your relationship and that is all that matters. It is none of anyone else's business. I agree with what you're saying, I don't see how sex makes a relationship any deeper when it can be so meaningless at other times. If they think you're a freak they need to educate themselves stat, because there is nothing wrong with you ♥

[dratinis]

It's been a while since I last ready the Golden Compass trilogy, but from what I remember, the first book was the best one. The second one fell very flat, and oh my god, I wanted to throw the third book against a fucking wall. It drove me nuts, but I don't want to go too much into detail so as to not spoil you. Basically, be prepared!

I don't have much to add to the discussion that hasn't already been said in comments above, but why is that any of her concern?? I don't understand -and I don't think I ever will- why people are so hung up on whether or not other people have sex. Besides being incredibly intrusive, it always struck me as incredibly voyeuristic.

Also, I giggled at the whole "deepening your relationship" bullshit. Hi, I'm twelve years old.

[literacy]

Yeah, I totally understand about being asexual. I thought I was, when I didn't seem interested in guys or dating in high school, anyway. I mean, now I am in a relationship things have progressed, but even still I was always close before I started dating my now boyfriend, pretty much exactly as you describe your relationship. The only difference now is that we sleep together, but that has not changed much if anything at all. I am not sure how someone might not know about asexuality, or why they would even care at all, because imo relationships are personal, but then I've always been rather open minded and of a live and let live kind of mentality, I guess. But I hope she is able to understand, and that your friends in Italy will as well. But sex is by far not the be all and end all that all relationships must have, by any means. A relationship can do fine without it, and it sounds like yours is, so I don't see that there would or should be any issue about it, so long as he does not seem to mind, which you've said he doesn't.

[kaworu]

I think it's great Andrew understands. My being asexual was kind of a problem with my ex, but it's unfortunate most people think like your friend. :(

Good luck talking it out with your friend face to face, I hope she'll understand.

[bucaneve]

I read The Golden Compass some time ago but I remember it fondly <3

I'm sorry your friend reacted the way she did. I'm ace too, but I'm not out to anyone, so I never had to deal with answers like that one. It's sad people put so much emphasis on sex when relationships are not only about that. Yeah, some relationships involve sex, others don't. It's not that hard to understand *offers hugs if it's ok*

[crossesandguns]

I haven't liked any new companion since Donna, but yeah, as said above, Moffat is terrible with women characters. He should just shove off and let somebody else do it for him.

Sex is beautiful and everything, but I feel it's a tad overrated, like it's supposed to be the "climax" of any kind of relationship and everything else pales in comparison. It's not the same for everyone and that's the problem with trying to box in people to a certain standard :(