It's the last day of August. Somehow I feel like that fact deserves to be mentioned. August has been... a very peculiar month. Actually, this whole summer has been peculiar. I feel like I haven't enjoyed it properly, or, if I did, only for a brief amount of time. I went back to Italy for a month, but it felt less than that. I think the reason why is because Andrew was in Italy with me only for a brief period of time (5 days) and - this is going to sound extremely cheesy - I don't really feel like I'm enjoying myself and actually living life when he's not there. When he's not with me, I don't feel like I'm living, I feel more like I'm surviving rather than living. He's the reason why I'm happy, why I enjoy myself, why I don't feel like I'm wasting my days. Because that's how I feel when he's not around - like I'm just wasting time, doing nothing (even on days when I'm extremely busy). But even just seeing him, talking to him or giving him a kiss - those little things make my days so much better, because a day with Andrew is not a day wasted.
Okay, cheesy and overly romantic boyfriend rants aside, I was describing my summer, which has been weird. The only days I really enjoyed were those days in Italy when Andrew was with me. Being in Italy on my own was pure boredom mixed with frustration. Boredom because my friends were only able to see me a couple of days in the whole month I was there and I didn't even have a job or anything to do at all while I was in Italy (couldn't even look for a job, as there are none available, for anyone). Frustration because my parents were at each other's throats due to financial trouble, my mother yelled at me various times because her shop was not going very well (like I had anything to do with it) and me feeling irritated at my parents because I had to give up looking for a summer job in Scotland in order to come back home and see them, only to be slapped in the face with various financial problems (that my parents had told me absolutely nothing about while I was in Scotland), which left me wondering why the hell they had begged me to come back when it would have made 10 times more sense for me to look for a job in Scotland and earn some money of my own, instead of sacrificing that to come back to Italy to do absolutely nothing. So yeah, it wasn't exactly the best summer holidays I've had.
I guess I also feel like my vacation never really began, because I knew I had resits in August. The whole summer, I've had to read updates on Facebook from people from my course about how they were enjoying their holidays in *insert random location here*, or how they'd gone back to their home country to spend the summer there, etc. And me? I couldn't go anywhere, or plan anything with anyone, because I had resits in August - I knew that I had to be back in Scotland for those. Knowing that you have exams in the near future does kinda ruin your summer vacation.
And then there was the whole dropping out of the course, leaving uni, figuring out what I wanted to do (which I haven't completely figured out yet)... Yes, August was a month full of surprises and changes. Despite that, I liked August - if anything because it was very eventful. But I like change. And I really think this will be a change for the best.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... this was a strange summer. It didn't feel like a vacation; it almost feels like it never started properly (for me); it was a mix of boredom, frustration, choices and changes; and now it's over. Whatever these past few months have been, they were not summer for me; and now they're over and autumn is coming. And, for once in my life, I'm welcoming autumn. I'm ready to leave this summer behind.
It feels almost like New Year's. Some big changes are about to take place in my life and I'm very excited. It feels like a chapter of my life is over - a very unhappy chapter, as far as my degree was concerned. It feels like something better is about to come. I feel almost like a new me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
