raise your glass

It's the last day of August. Somehow I feel like that fact deserves to be mentioned. August has been... a very peculiar month. Actually, this whole summer has been peculiar. I feel like I haven't enjoyed it properly, or, if I did, only for a brief amount of time. I went back to Italy for a month, but it felt less than that. I think the reason why is because Andrew was in Italy with me only for a brief period of time (5 days) and - this is going to sound extremely cheesy - I don't really feel like I'm enjoying myself and actually living life when he's not there. When he's not with me, I don't feel like I'm living, I feel more like I'm surviving rather than living. He's the reason why I'm happy, why I enjoy myself, why I don't feel like I'm wasting my days. Because that's how I feel when he's not around - like I'm just wasting time, doing nothing (even on days when I'm extremely busy). But even just seeing him, talking to him or giving him a kiss - those little things make my days so much better, because a day with Andrew is not a day wasted.

Okay, cheesy and overly romantic boyfriend rants aside, I was describing my summer, which has been weird. The only days I really enjoyed were those days in Italy when Andrew was with me. Being in Italy on my own was pure boredom mixed with frustration. Boredom because my friends were only able to see me a couple of days in the whole month I was there and I didn't even have a job or anything to do at all while I was in Italy (couldn't even look for a job, as there are none available, for anyone). Frustration because my parents were at each other's throats due to financial trouble, my mother yelled at me various times because her shop was not going very well (like I had anything to do with it) and me feeling irritated at my parents because I had to give up looking for a summer job in Scotland in order to come back home and see them, only to be slapped in the face with various financial problems (that my parents had told me absolutely nothing about while I was in Scotland), which left me wondering why the hell they had begged me to come back when it would have made 10 times more sense for me to look for a job in Scotland and earn some money of my own, instead of sacrificing that to come back to Italy to do absolutely nothing. So yeah, it wasn't exactly the best summer holidays I've had.

I guess I also feel like my vacation never really began, because I knew I had resits in August. The whole summer, I've had to read updates on Facebook from people from my course about how they were enjoying their holidays in *insert random location here*, or how they'd gone back to their home country to spend the summer there, etc. And me? I couldn't go anywhere, or plan anything with anyone, because I had resits in August - I knew that I had to be back in Scotland for those. Knowing that you have exams in the near future does kinda ruin your summer vacation.

And then there was the whole dropping out of the course, leaving uni, figuring out what I wanted to do (which I haven't completely figured out yet)... Yes, August was a month full of surprises and changes. Despite that, I liked August - if anything because it was very eventful. But I like change. And I really think this will be a change for the best.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... this was a strange summer. It didn't feel like a vacation; it almost feels like it never started properly (for me); it was a mix of boredom, frustration, choices and changes; and now it's over. Whatever these past few months have been, they were not summer for me; and now they're over and autumn is coming. And, for once in my life, I'm welcoming autumn. I'm ready to leave this summer behind.

It feels almost like New Year's. Some big changes are about to take place in my life and I'm very excited. It feels like a chapter of my life is over - a very unhappy chapter, as far as my degree was concerned. It feels like something better is about to come. I feel almost like a new me.

First of all, thank you guys so much for all your lovely comments on my last entry! They really made me feel better about my possible choice of dropping out of my degree course.

I've emailed my advisor of studies, but she's on holiday and she won't be back to Scotland until next week. Which puts me in a very awkward position, because my first resit is on Friday and I really hoped I could have talked to her before my exams, so I would have gotten a clearer idea of whether I want to keep going with this degree (which at the moment seems very unlikely) or not and thus chosen whether to actually attempt my resits or not. Not that it would have made much of a difference - I'm not prepared for my resits, as I don't understand the stuff and can't answer problem questions, so the chances of me passing my resits are low. But if I had talked to my advisor of studies before the resits and decided to drop out, I could have spared having to take exams. Because the fact that I need to take exams + the fact that I know I won't be able to pass them is stressing me quite a lot. Again, more useless and unhealthy stress. I'm really just doing my resits to show that 'at least I tried' if my advisor of studies should ask. But yeah, these exams are not going to go well.

Another thing that is worrying me about my resits is the fact that I might have to redo second year if I don't pass them. If there's one thing I know for certain, is that I don't want to re-study and re-do a property law exam. Ever. Again. So, if it does turn out that I might have to pass second year again, I'll most likely drop out.

So, I've been looking at other choices recently. I've been looking mostly into becoming a professional photographer. I found the Glasgow School of Art and I'm going to get more information on it and its courses. The courses I'd be interested in would be Fine Art Photography and Digital Culture. I obviously will have to look more into them and I do intend to meet someone from the school and have a chat with them about both courses, because I really want to get an idea of what they're like. (I sent an email, but I guess they must be closed for holidays or something, because they haven't replied yet.) I'll have to do a portfolio, but I wanted to make a portfolio anyway, so this will be a good occasion to make one. I have taken over 1,000 photos, so there must be something in there worth showing.

Which brings me to another request I have for you guys. I'm looking for feedback on my photos and I'm trying to figure out which ones are most likely to impress and that I should put on my portfolio. If you guys feel like being photography critics, my Flickr account is skymistress. I also tried out a free portfolio website (I'm not going to use it, I'm going to build my own portfolio, since I know web design, so I can show my web designing skills as well), just to get an idea of what I would like my portfolio to look like and what photos I'd put in it and here is a 'prototype', if you will. I'm also thinking of offering paid (but very cheap!) web design work to friends and family in the near future, so if any of you guys are interested in having a website, but know nothing of web design and would like someone to do the 'dirty work' for you, don't hesitate to ask! :) This way I'll get an idea of what working for other people is like and if I'd actually like to do it for a living.

While I was making this 'portfolio prototype', I also realised that I would love to be a photographer for a magazine. I love taking pictures of animals, nature, landscapes, cities and even fashion and people. I would also like to be a writer for a magazine. (I am planning my own books as well, and have started writing them, but I don't see myself finishing them any time soon. I need inspiration and more ideas.) I'm still not sure at this point if I would like to pursue web design as an actual career (I'll test it out when I offer my web design services that I mentioned above), but the option is there. These are just three options that come to my mind at the moment, but the idea of possibly going into one of these fields is making me so excited! I don't think I've ever been as excited about being a lawyer.

I guess... I've always been scared of actually deciding to pursue a career as a photographer or a writer or a web designer, because I've always been scared of failing. I love the idea of being freelance (or even to work for a specific magazine), but I guess I just decided it wasn't worth taking a risk for. Like trying would be more a hassle than an actual accomplishment. My ever present self-doubt also played a part in it, because I didn't think I was good enough to turn my hobbies into work (but anyone who has made a job out of their hobbies at some point thought they weren't good enough to make it; but those who believe in themselves, work hard and don't give up easily do make it). And I kept myself 'in check' from the temptation of building a portfolio and researching how to be any of these things by thinking about my degree and how I would have gotten more of a stable job by sticking with it. Because ultimately that's how I thought of my degree: I'll do it because I need to have a job. But a job doesn't necessarily have to be outside of my hobbies. And even if I don't get the "job of my dreams", as long as I have a job that pays the rent and the food and allows me to spend time on the stuff that I really love, then it's perfectly fine. It's written nowhere that I should suffer like this just to get a 'high-paying', 'stable', outside-of-my-hobbies job.

Looking back at what exactly made me choose Law, I guess it was mostly for social status and the money. I do have a sense of justice and I liked to think I would have 'made a difference' once I became a lawyer. Don't know exactly what that meant and what I wanted to make a difference in; I just thought I wanted to be someone or do something important. It's hard to explain and I guess it's because I hadn't really thought about it that much. I don't even know why or how exactly I came to the conclusion that I wanted to be a lawyer. I swear I used to be so confident in my choice; and now I sound like a total idiot who was in it just for the money.

Anyway. This was just a very short update to let you guys know what's happening and what is going through my head at the moment. If you could leave me some feedback on my photos, I'd really appreciate it! :D (But don't feel like you have to do it! Just if you feel like it.) And hopefully the next entry will be full of good news.

P.S. I think about getting a job as a photographer so much, that last night I dreamed of getting a new, super-fancy camera. XD